Thursday, August 6, 2009

So, Best Friend will ask me "what is going on with you, why are you floating out there?" She'll wonder she's working up the question, she's taking copious notes because that's what she does. She'll look in my head and try to figure me and I have been wondering what I will tell her, the wheres and the whys. I have been retracing my steps trying to figure it out for myself. And this morning I am settling in for a day of fix that and get this done and I am throwing the question through my head while thinking on a bad finger song and it hits me. I remember why. You see I was going through some old cds wondering which I would transfer on to my pod and which I would just pitch because I am hard on men and cds. I see this horribly beat up Bonnie Tyler song and just go and put it on the pod and it's too corrupted. (me too I thought) Bonnie, I had missed her terribly. I had to go to I tunes to find it. Later I am listening and I can hear her sing, every now and then this and every now and then that.

I hadn't spent quality time with the bossy Republican in more days than I could string together without running to the back deck and screaming "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU EVER SAY YOU LOVE ME." My throat was aching. I was thankful for a nice cool summer afternoon and I thought about going swimming and changed my mind, not wanting to get my hair wet, its just too good today. I could hear Bonnie singing "every now and then I fall apart, never now and then I fall apart." I thought Jesus when is the last time I just fell apart? I felt like she was giving me permission. Later, when Best Friend would call and ask about seeing Dr. A I'd tell her it all went so fine and he was so charming and I'm always in such capable hands. And Bonnie singing "Once upon a time I was falling in love and now I am only falling apart." Jesus music is universal. I started the pod again, from the beginning and sat down on the table in the back deck to listen looking at the how the bugs had eaten the leaves on the trees with little holes all over. "every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by. Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes." I love that she kept saying little bit, like it wasn't a constant companion this thought that perhaps love wasn't living here anymore, that I was just sitting in a rut and that secretly my birthday was close and I was terrified.

I couldn't remember the last time I just let go and sobbed but I did. If a neighbor had found me there I would have been pitied. Nice. Pitied at 43 almost 44. Fuck Fuck Fuck the trifecta of fuck. "And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever and if you only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever." Forever. Yeah. Love is never about forever I thought, its all so temporary and I like it like that. I decided to stop bitching. I called him "I really need you tonight." If it worked for Bonnie it would work for me. "Oh gosh Carrie I can't make that happen," and the lists of things more important, things I couldn't believe even mattered, that never mattered to me and never would. I said it again, slowly and in a child's voice. "I really need you tonight." I'd tell him as I told Suzy and I didn't implode and blow away to dust. I'd just tell him. Or not. Maybe he'd just be this guy I remembered, ya know the guy you remember when you first meet him? He'd be powerful and charming and I'd want him so much I couldn't imagine telling him. I knew before I asked the question that he'd be off chasing something, on some podium and not in my bed but he'd call when it's over to "check on me." Great.

I start the pod over again. Did he really call her "bright eyes?" Jesus. I can't remember when we called each other pet names. Where is he? If he knew I was out here on the deck bawling would he show up? Would he say something to fix this? Would there be some syrup in his pocket I could pour down my aching throat that would go down in my belly and calm me down and make it all ok? Oh hell no. "Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be. Every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am. Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe whose magical and wondrous as you." Maybe I told myself a lie. I've done it before. I've told myself, "you'll figure this out, he doesn't mean to be so distant. He's trying his best Carrie." Right there on my deck I had a total eclipse of the heart. I'd be going to Paris alone. I'd be going to the place where they mark your neck alone. I could hear Suzy say, "buck up, this too will pass." She's right, she's always right. Nobody has noticed that's good and mostly I'm not tired. I have my hair. Thank god for tender mercies. In a few days it would all pass and I could swallow without thinking I was swallowing swords.

He did call later in the evening "You ok? I can sense something is wrong, you're distant." He is always the master of the obvious. How clever. When did you figure this out? When I was whispering in little pleas or when I avoid the phone for days or when I encourage you to do something I hate that you do? Be careful he'd say later, what you post there, its for the world to see, it's public information. Why would I care what someone reads here really when I hardly cared that the neighbors were playing in the pool feet from where I was losing it? Where the raccoon (damn that beast) was sitting on a roof somewhere watching me, where the little birds were chirping in the sprinkler singing to me with some promise I couldn't even hear. Why oh why would I care at all?

So I lost my mind. Right there for a few moments that passed and I found myself thinking of being a functional alcoholic. Who would know red wine would make you feel so bad in the morning. Right there I decided to wear something that would make someone wonder if she was asking oh so softly to be "taken." I'd get a tattoo (oh i don't think so) or whisper something in line at the dunkin donuts when I'm getting iced coffee to the pretty suit ahead of me in line something he wouldn't be sure if he heard but would wonder later when he's sitting around talking to his comrades wondering and wondering if the moment will ever pass again, if he'd go there for coffee he didn't even want to drink later.

I lost a Saturday, I checked the top drawer of my dresser to see if the cape was still there, the cape was in tact. I'd see Suzy, tell her all is ok. She'd wonder if I poured a drink later remembering that these little moments pass for me, the moments of terror. Hell I kept a mini van for five years, just parked because one day I saw a story about a single mother on 60 minutes who was homeless and had to live out of her truck. She had a mattress back there. I could have pulled that off if I didn't like to wash my hair twice a day I thought. I didn't get rid of the van because it was my escape plan. I'll keep the cape for the same reason. God loves me. I know that right now at this very moment. My kid is safe, confused and mental but safe. Suze is close. Adventure is waiting somewhere over a big bucket of water. Leroy is home safe and he looks pretty happy about sneaking out. I will too.


"Once upon a time there was light in my life and now there's only love in the dark." Sing it bonnie.


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