Wednesday, February 17, 2010

It's Amazing

The World's greatest love song

by Paul McCartney

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line

Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Baby I'm a man maybe I'm a lonely man
Who's in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand

Baby I'm a man and maybe you're the only woman
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand,Oooohh

Baby I'm a man, maybe I'm a lonely man
Who's in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand

Baby I'm a man and maybe you're the only woman
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand, oohhh

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you

Isn't love amazing? From the smallest portion of love there is. I was watching the momma kitten with her babies this morning, keeping them all gathered, feeding them, loving them and yes love is amazing. Love comes out of nowhere like a hurricane. One moment the earth, the sky so still and the next everything is turned upside down and you can't remember when you didn't know that you needed love because it made the colors brighter, it made the day easier, the commute faster, so fast you are convinced someone fixed traffic and just forgot to tell the world.

Love should be amazing, when you want to try harder because you know someone loves you. When my son calls to tell me school is almost over yet again and I can hear that thing in his voice that wants me to be proud because love really does want to impress our hearts. Yesterday I was working on something that I wasn't sure I could finish and there was a chill in the house because I like to keep the house cold I could feel dirty white boy climb behind me in the chair, curl around and fall asleep keeping my back warm and I could hear his cat snores. Love is truly amazing. If you are unsure about love today it's time to look up Fannie Mae candies. They make a bon bon called a Trinidad. Imagine for a moment, soft sweet chocolate covered in white chocolate with little bits of toasted coconut. This could be the closest thing to love you may ever find or I have ever found especially when I'm hormonal.

Soon it will be time to plant and love will be all over the ground in the creeping Charlie, in the flowers pushing through the soil, in chirping baby birds and I wonder if we'll notice? I think I will because I miss the warm so much. It hasn't been a horrid winter. There have been moments of great clarity standing on the frozen ground surrounded by white glittering snow. I haven't been sad when it gets dark early because five o'clock fills me with such light, I am certain planes could land in the drive way and not miss their mark. I am seldom surprised by human nature anymore, these eyes have seen too much and I have been recently, so surprised. It's amazing.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Sea of Love

You see and I'm not sure that you do
that there are so many things I love
that are C things that I wanted to list them
in my head and for the gentle reader here

I love cupcakes, hell I love cake of any kind
I've never seen a cake I'd dislike
cake is the perfect food, it's sweet
its pretty and when it slides down your throat
you are usually celebrating something

I love to collect things, not things that
would belong in a collection
Collecting is hoarding's gentler cousin
and if you asked me sweetly I'd show you
my collection of buttons, beads, old post cards
and single pieces of china for picnics in the summer

Sean Connery. I love Sean Connery, Bond James Bond
Yes, my dirty little secret is out
He captures my heart even though my sweet niece Katie
is sure that all Scottish men become old and spitty
or snotty and something

The Food stuff? Carrots cooked and dipped in honey,
cabbage oh gods I love cabbage
cream of wheat, candied yams, anything candy
chicken, hell Best Friend and I have traveled to
the land of cheese several times for really good chicken

I love Crayons, the possibility of their color
flying from a child's hand to create a universe
all of their own, with purple cows and green dolphins
swimming in oceans of blue fish

Cups of Tea, dainty cups, big hot mugs of tea
oolong tea not because of how it tastes
but because I love to whisper I am drinking oolong tea
Drinking tea on the sofa with my Best Friend
is my most favorite thing to do and she likes the cups
with very thin frail edges and I think that's why
she loves me too

When I am listening to the music in a symphony
I crane to listen for the cymbal
it's the crash after the crying violins
the moment you anticipate in the Nutcracker ballet
when you know something has either gone terribly
right or tragically wrong

I love calls in the middle of the night
just when you are fall fall falling into
sleep when your breathing has changed
when you are in that dream place of
oh could you really walk a tight rope over traffic
while your Best Friend shouts up to you
"What in the hell are you doing up there?"
and you nod back holding an umbrella in a very knowing manner
so she knows to start the engine for the truck
full of chickens and then
the phone rings
when we were 28 the phone rang like this every night
but we didn't really sleep then
and it was always something somewhat urgent
and completely out of control and I don't really like control

Calls in the middle of the night are the moments
that change your life
I fell in love!
I wrecked the car when I took that turn
just a little too quickly
I am lost and need you to find me
I am found and need to be lost again
Very rarely are one of those calls from someone
that doesn't know you
it's someone who needs you and you need them
and it wouldn't matter when they called
but knowing it's in the middle of the night means they love you

My dad was Charles so I loved him first
but I love many
Dickens' expectations, Bukowski's pain and poetry,
Darwin's science, Watts when he's playing for Mick
drum drum drumming

And of course in the course of my day
I will look for you, so brilliant
and I will mention as I always do that I wrote a poem
of things I love, cotton candy and Colorado
and oh let's not forget Chocolate, any kind of chocolate
and I will ask if you have read it
and you will say yes, just a simple yes
and I will know that you love a C too
just not as much as I do

Monday, February 8, 2010

Looking For Solace

In the winter air I found myself wandering
near the place I grew up
and I stopped there to linger in the trees
my father and I planted so many years ago
that I can hardly remember his voice

Those trees cast shadows on the ground
so indicative of the noon winter sun
sparrows picking through the grass
whispering their frozen song
and I imagined my father's larger than life
shadow there among the trees

And he had something to say
(he always had something to say)
standing where his children used to play
where my mother, my sweet mother
worked in her garden and hung the clothes
on summer evenings
Oh how I wish I could hear her laugh

I had questions for him, my ferocious father
and they rolled through my head
one after the other like scenes in a movie
and if I spoke out loud, asked, I knew
I'd burst into a thousand tears and my legs wouldn't hold me

"Dad, tell me how you were brave."
The only time I ever saw him afraid is when
my mother died and we were home from services
the three of us alone on the sofa
all of us afraid to say a word for what seemed days
knowing one of us more fragile than the other
would break like glass and the river of glass
would cut through bone and flesh and tendons

I wanted him to stand close and
I'd lean in like I did a thousand times
and rest my head on his collar bone
and ask him how he found the courage to tell us
my mother would never be coming home

He'd know how difficult it is to tell my son
when I am not so sure I will be here
when his children are born
when he looks for my face in a crowd
when needs comforting and I am unable to put my arms around him
The idea that he'd forget my voice
made any hope of immortality fly like snow

I wonder where my son would go to find me
would he find his way to the river
where I'd drop him in the water and let his aunt
catch him in the current
would he go to the garden behind the little house
and wait for me there
like I am waiting for my father in the trees

Would he whisper to me summer grass
because he'd know how much I struggled in the winter
to find my own voice and hope
Maybe he'd find Suzy's voice and take comfort
in her cadence the way I do when I am lost

If my father were there with me in the trees
he'd tell me life marches on
and that the brave are remembered
in songs that we sing when we are alone
they are honored and held close
to our hearts

When I put my arms around one of those trees
they didn't touch on the other side
That's how we marked our age
we'd go to the yard and those tiny twigs
now towering lumbering oak
just like us

If I listened closely I could hear
the clanking of horse shoes
and laughter that echoes here
and kindness where there was once turmoil
nature's polite fiction

Then for a brief moment I could hear his voice
tell me that the passage of time
will purge the demons if you just let go
if you banish fear from your heart
if you try one more time
when you are sure you don't have one more time in you
if you refuse to be sad when it's creeping over the edge
when all you want is to be somewhere where you can lean in a little
lean here amongst the trees
and know that I am close
and that I look for you here more
than you look for me
Love is not a thought apart from
the concrete of reality
it is proven again and again
through the daily living and decision of our lives
when we are close and when we let others close
when we are the sparrows braving winter
singing spring's promise
when you look for me here
like you looked for me the last morning
I was there with you
with a heart full of brave
and promise

Saturday, February 6, 2010


If you haven't heard the song, Leonard Cohen's genius sung by some of the most wondrous singers in the world, I wanted to share the lyrics here along with a few links to utube so you can find KD Lange, Jeff Buckley and a few other notable singers sharing their personal version. I am curious as to why each singer changes or removes some of the lyrics as the lyrics are quite profound. When I read the lyrics, I was done. Hallelujah is a profound prayer, a way of saying thanks, a way to exhale when I have endured something I wasn't really sure I was strong enough to endure. I was thinking the other day when I was waiting for something for a long time and it was finally there, close to me I could hear myself whisper Hallelujah. I've named the little gray cat Lujah because this past summer when I was just out of compassion for anything in the world there she was Baby1 (her former name) was a comforting addition to my heart. Watching Lujah and Dirty White Boy tumble through the house until they are full of exhaustion is such joy for me. Dirty has taken to sleeping in my sweater on my work table while I work. Having not felt well it's a welcome respite when I am feeling blue to have him close, both him and his tiny wide eyed sister.

I was singing the lyrics again and am touched by the idea that it's not always someone who has seen the light that needs to take a moment to thank the Lord. You don't have to know the intricate nature of god's heart to sing his song of thanks and praise and wonder. I know this for my own heart so I can assume it's that way for everyone. Just to say thanks, thanks thanks for what is mine and what I love. When I know Best Friend has arrived home in DC safely after working too long, after she's home safe, when the phone rings at 5, when I think of Richie's graduation closing in, when I have had a day that goes without a hitch, I am singing Hallelujah and now you can sing it with me.


Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Riding with Orion

"Thank God I am transparent to someone."
I heard him whisper and then the laughter
laughter like thunder
I was lost in that laughter as it has become my melody
I know our song makes God smile
and we sing it loud on the way home
like we were in church and we are
where nobody can hear, nobody but him
and nobody but me
his home on Pluto and mine on Mars
and in between navigating a thousand stars
Mars the red planet of passion and Art
Pluto, the planet of science and order
and duty
do de do de do
oh for just a little let me love you

And nowhere on the map
floating in space this planet we created
from dirt and the left over pieces of two lives
the secret pieces forgotten but not really
because tendering that garden of his
brings me such joy such joy that
in whispers I call it Eden
I am with him there now in a canoe
on a river of red wine
those blue eyes like Polaris
and the gentle smile that puts me at ease
lighting the night sky in my head
pushing the blood faster and faster
through my heart until I am left breathless

In the summer of turmoil I wanted to be a hunter again
and I thought of Artemis her brave troubled heart
wanting Orion to find her and admire her
Certainly if he could slay beasts with horns
she'd be safe, he'd keep watch
she'd make the cave tidy, she'd be the seductress

And when she saw him on the beach and their eyes met
and he fell on her, he raped her
a violent act wrapped in love's passion
he bit her neck and left his mark on her back
and her soul was transparent
and now I can hear her spirit wrapped in one of those
night lights whisper to me "I needed this"
and I knew
as we all know when we acknowledge we are again the hunter
when we can push aside the shame of admitting lonely
even in a room full of people who love us
lonely for the quiet whispers of lovers
who haven't given up hope not just yet
hope he will want you so much he will take what is his
and she will exhale and let go

Orion's passion for Artemis, her love for him
and her father's love for a daughter he never understood
keeps the nebula alive, it's lights, his belt
keeping time in the heavens
keeping the crops lit when the October skies
are quieted by the turning of the earth
the brushing of fallen leaves across the crops
and in the Pantheon of all the Gods
he sits reminding us that when we are brave
we are above this earth
and there is no larger possibility of pain than love
they don't make a warning system for a broken heart
my father took me to a range once where a man shot a 44
I can remember now the violence of his arm moving
and Artemis could remember him washing over her
long after he was in the night sky
leave your gun at the door and rip the Valentine into tiny pieces
then we're all safe

If you have and adventurer's heart and you find us
you stumble across our Eden
and you find on the beach Orion's massive body
unmoving marked with a scorpion and the arrow
of a saddened lover
And not far from there this scene of a treacherous act
on a path marked by the number 95
If you find our torrid messages of longing
strewn against the side of the road
from some collision
Don't think you aren't welcome
when we don't rush to greet you
we're busy you see, making up for lost time
time when we spent wondering where the other was
Who asks for someone to upset the waters?
for God's hand to create a tornado in your heart?
We do!
We are brave, we look, we try, we make room
where there is no room
we are the weed pushing through the crack in the cement
looking for just the tiny slice of the sun's warmth
we whisper, we struggle, we dig a moat
we wait pushing the world aside
and when its very quiet
on a Sunday afternoon
when the kittens are sleeping
when the coast is clear
when it's the dead of winter and the only thing not dead
is this red red heart beating and then waiting
to hear the other's beat
when its just the moment
when there are only two lovers in the entire world
you hear three words that fill you up and calm your soul
and make you want to build an entire
marble cathedral just to protect the flame of those two candles
and you can exhale as Artemis did
you can breathe easy knowing he finally fell on you
and there is no mattress to buffer the blows
of a passionate Mangod who wants and wants and wants
he'll drag you to the ground
and in a breath you'll let go
it's just what lovers do
at the point where there is no turning back
when the hunger is not a gendered organ
but a passion that fills your gut
and ultimately changes your soul