Saturday, August 8, 2009

Best Friendisms

She does make me laugh

Having the Best Friend close reminds me that she does make me laugh, not just a timid giggle, those crazy primate screams of laughter. When I am heading down to the station sure I don't want to come back she pulls me back from the hot rail. When I think of something that makes me laugh, that gives me a new twist to the world, it doesn't seem real until I share it with her. She's my constant life companion. No matter what happens tomorrow, no matter if I show up with a body in the trunk, no matter if I call her sobbing not sure what is in my kid's head so hurt, so full of sorrow, sobbing sorrow, she can fix it. Can you imagine? So I was at dinner last night thinking of the things she says that make me laugh days later when I am alone in line at the post office when I can't hold it and just burst out in laughter.

Her irritation with me:
We were driving through a cemetery and loads of these little buildings with stained glass portraits and of course the giant statues of Jesus praying to his father and I just ask her "why do you think jesus always looks so serious, wouldn't you think he'd just bust out in laughter?"
Her response: "He wasn't a fucking clown Carrie, he was the savior of the world. He had bigger things going on." (Today he's in the sudan, of this I am certain)

Her defense of me:
Someone (well more than a few someones call her and say "Why is your best friend such a flipping bitch?"
Her response: "What did you do to her?"
(Gods I do love her)

Her fear I am fucking with her life:
Her response when I told her I send a secret note of interest to a co-worker:
"Oh you're getting a fucking 9-5 Job and I am going to go there and fuck with people, you're getting a job today."
So, I wrote about this recently, about the mysterious letter and while reading it to her I could hear her say "Oh my God, you didn't write that Carrie." I'd read a little more and I could hear her say "Jesus Carrie if he reads this and I think he does you are going to get a call." Big deal. It's funny and we are rolling in laughter, laughter so hard my face is full of tears and we are howling.

Her delight with herself:
While driving downtown we pass one of those giant glass buildings on a sunny Monday afternoon (if you only knew how much I miss those mondays, if you only knew) and she catches her image in one of the windows;
"Damn I make this car look good, then again I class up anywhere I go."
So later I tell this to my niece katie in hysterical laughter and her response?
"isn't that special?"
This still makes me laugh

On Boring men:
"Oh I am not rowing this boat alone."

On Human contact:
Best Friend will get a call from her brother, my brother, my kid, men I know, neices, nephews "Why doesn't Carrie ever answer the phone?" Her Response, "She always answers when I call." Ha, fuck em. She is sure I shuffle by the phone in some slippers and flip em off, fuck you not today, no not today. My kid recently called her looking for me in whispers with humongous elaborate lie and let me tell you that little idiot doesn't do elaborate well. She calls me, "got the strangest call from your kid today, you ok?" Sure was a target. My kid is always working the game and today he couldn't find his own personal human ATM machine and was frantic. "let him sweat."

On Love
At lunch we were talking about a friend, a dear old friend with crazy ass eyebrows. "She has a lot of love to offer the world" I say in kindness even though the idea of her creeps me out to no end. Best Friend's response? "She should find a way to share that without irritating the shit out of people." I'll keep that next week when someone is irritating the shit out of me and I will hope for them that they fix it. "She will never read your blog Carrie and if she did she wouldn't think its about her." The funnier part? Her sister would read it and know it was her. The funniest part? Her husband would read it, KNOW it was her and read it naked looking for porn stars. He's a super freak, super freaky now.

On Bossy Republican Assholes:
"there's nothing say about him, just hang up." If she's here, she'll hang up on him and save me the effort.

On teasing boys:
So I run into some boy she's tormenting. He's not sure what day of the week it is and she's giggling away. He tells me she told him she enjoyed dressing like a catholic high school girl for halloween. I break it to him, she was a smurf. Later I call her laughing "A naughty high school girl." Her response "Jesus did you fuck that up? I never fuck up your stories. You suck." In a word: Graphics. It's all about the Graphics.

On not really knowing:
So there are things my best friend forgets but the best part is the things doesn't know in the first place. She can beat your ass at scrabble so bad you wish you were playing a foreign language version just so you have a chance. When reading me excerpts from a Veitnam war novel she comes across the word gook and is sure it rhymes with look. I am about to lose it. What's a gook she asks? You have to love her, she didn't even know what a mud baby was. "Oh god Carrie, shut up." So she calls me and says, "Hey, what's a rack?" Something you put donuts on. "No, idiot, I was in the elevator taking down laundry and some boy on a bike said, "Hey, nice rack." You have to love she doesn't know she has perfect breasts.

On Laundry:
"I am off to buy new clothes, I can't face laundry today." When Richie was over at her house once he saw an entire basket of just panties waiting for wash day. He looks at me, "we could sell those for a fortune." The apple does not fall far from the tree. She's in for at least half the therapy.

At Dinner recently:
She picks up my sandwhich, dunks it in the little juice they give you, takes a bite and then squints her eyes "Oh wet bread, a little gross." Ok, I just laughed all over again thinking about this one because it followed this diddy, about a new friend of mine, the Commander: "Carrie, ya think the military did strange experiments on him like flash cards when he's tired, or injecting him with stuff? That would explain his horniness." my response? No honey, he's just a guy. I told her he was worried about opening my blog at work. She tells me, "I'd never open your blog at work, just thinking about it makes my ass clench." Ha. Live on the edge.

On irresponsible literature:
On the way to borders one day she tells me she has return something. It's a little book of porn she found the last time we were there and believe her me there was nothing hot about it and don'tcha know she's an expert on what's hot. She marches up to the desk, hands the dude the book, "didn't like it and may have launched into a criticism that would rival NY Times book review. I don't know, I left, slinking off hoping she wouldn't talk to me later. She sees me "HEY! they gave me my money back." Fuck.
A few years before that we were at Walmart buying supplies for the lake house. On the conveyor belt, a book a man's shirt ripped off, very torrid. "What's this I ask her?" her reply? "Oh this is going to be hot, look at how his shirt is ripped off. Gonna to be lots of sex in that book." The women standing around kinda leering over to see the cover. Days later, she dropped it in the hot tub a few times and the book was thick as three books, almost a dictionary of love. "No sex she says, 200 fucking pages into this and it's all about horses and stables." I've been tricked by Nicholas Sparks. I keep thinking it will be some wondrous love story and it's all stolen poetry put into prose that a third grader would understand. I hate him. And Nicholas if you are reading this? You owe me. You owe me for the books, the movie and my time spent. Forward me a check.

On Personal responsibility:
My son hated high school, never wanted to go and every day was a struggle. So on a monday when we were going to spend the day running something down she realizes he's sleeping in and no intention of going to school. She marches over to his door, knocks a maniacal bugs bunny knock and when he opens the door says to him:
"You have school." He replies "I'm not going today I'm not feeling well."
"Oh you're going and since you missed gym class, go run around the block a few times to keep true to yourself." He went.
It was right around that time she changed his porn star pin up girl screen saver to Barney and put a password on it. She also used a sharpie marker to put clothes on some of the pin up girl posters in his room. Later that night we were talking on the phone and Richie gets home runs in his room and I can hear the big rip of a poster, he marches into the living room "I don't know who the hell she thinks she is, she owes me $10." "Take it up with her I tell him." She's in for half his therapy, at least half.
When we were driving home from the lake one weekend Richie was mad abut something and threw a hot wheels car at the back of her head. She threw it out the window and when he threw a fit about it she stopped the car so he could get it and then drove off leaving him there. A little humility is good for the soul.
One day we will be sitting in a therapists office, a group therapy of sort and Richie will be there crying sobbing even blaming me for his failed life (even though we all know he'd be a better man now if he had just gotten laid in high school) and he will say "do you know how many times my aunt said to me, want some candy? and then when I said yes, she'd say" "Yeah, we all do."

On courage:
When I woke up from heart surgery and saw her face, so afraid she leaned over and whispered "All is OK, you always forget how strong you are, don't forget now." She never doubted for a second. She will tell me later that when she heard me flirting with the interns she ABSOLUTELY knew I was going to be just fine.

On Love:
We had several tearful conversations about her moving to DC. I was so sad, I can't begin to tell you how sad here, there aren't words. I was sure she'd be off to find a new best friend. "Carrie" she told me Love doesn't go away when we are off chasing a dream. It just waits there. I am never far and my love for you will never change. I will be home one day and home is where you are.

She was right and I hate when she's right.

She recently told me that I give her cocky courage and when she knows she's going to be close she takes risk. Boys tell me all the time that I am different after she's been close, a little too self confident. I can't imagine a life without her, it would be colorless and gray and not nearly as much fun. There were years where we didn't even sleep because we were chasing adventure. Everything changes, nothing stays the same. The young become the old as life's mystery unfolds. We love we lose we try and fail and then succeed in a grand fashion and I like it that way. If you haven't called your best friend and laughed, shared a secret, planned an escape, shared lunch. I suggest it, it soothes the soul.


You can always find me at or my work at

No comments: