I have to thank Beth Hart for the inspiration and a few of the lines. I almost hesitated sharing it because it so much of what she wrote but she helped me find clarity. I am working on getting my shit together. I have been. Clarity. I forgot that when you love someone they should be a little flattered. I forgot. I forgot that when someone cheats on you you're supposed to be hurt. I forgot, I forgot, I forgot that my love has value and what I want matters too. The next time someone is cruel to you thank them for telling you right now that is how this is always going to be, they don't change tomorrow because you want them to and neither do you. We change when we can't stand it a minute more. I'm figuring it out.
When writing the poem I was reminded about secrets. The secrets we carry around. A few years ago I was at a wedding with Best Friend. The minister is reciting the vows and in the vow this couple wrote one of them was about never keeping a secret. At the VERY SAME moment Best Friend and I both lean behind her mom who was sitting between us and she says "You hear that?" I say "Yup. We can't ever get married, you know this?" Her mother, "enough you two." We moved at the very same moment we both heard the word secret because she carries mine and I carry hers. Her sits in a shopping bag from Marshall Fields and mine under the wooden fish at her house that we rescued from the Lake house. It's the fish that sat in the sun for years and we'd watch for it as we swam around the bend and knew we were almost home. I can see the wood fish all faded but still vigilant and he sees me.
It's the only way I can feel close to you
writing poetry
here
A cry for help
She fell into the cab
"Driver" she said "the sky is falling
Drive like we are being chased"
"do you want to go North ma'am?" He asked?
She felt the lump in her throat rise
"No, just drive east and I will
find my way home."
Nobody leaves the handsome
poised boyfriend and falls in love
with the mean guy who has said
the worst thing you ever heard
because you are sure you can fix his heart
and he makes you laugh
nobody
Time with him feels like vacation
nobody
its a cry for help
who takes a hammer to a gun fight?
A girl who feels unappreciated
wallowing in resentment
a girl with everything
A girl who sleeps alone
with nobody by the door
A girl
who thinks she can talk him
into anything even waiting
until she runs into the force that can't be moved
even when she hands him her heart
that beating bloody instrument of
destruction
When you are wearing the same clothes for
two days you better hope to find
a friend on the way home
who will tell you it's time
to spend a Sunday in church
rather than this walk of shame
Do you do the damage just to have the fun you need
when he holds the grapes
when you are so thirsty for wine
You drink until you're drunk then you leave
tomorrow she'll call a shrink
and then cancel when she
finds out you have to tell a shrink everything
everything
even the secret stuff
oh hell no
I have places to go
and there are people who know
I have plans on getting my shit together
I am shoving my soul in the closet forever
I can hustle for a dance in the yard
now Mr. Poised sure I'd leave
in a camper
and I'm sure he was never there
I don't blame her
thinking she's crazy, we all are
wanting to get home as fast as the taxi can drive
Pull the grenade pin
I'd rather be dust than pain
Hold on to your heart
watch what you say
Call your Best Friend
tell her you're afraid let her remind you
you have plans to get your shit together
A handsome stranger can fix
what you can't fix
or is it broken more and more and more
There are those in the know
who wonder where you go and when you'll return
save your preaching for a rainy day
save that thought for a moment
You were supposed to be
grateful even flattered as
my joy far surpasses the disappointment
for the next time I make you angry
and
i
will
Call 911 I am restless and my heart is stone
and there is glass on the floor
that bed is full of spiders
a fire in my belly is burning the paper
the little love notes we shared a week ago
that now seem almost funny
because they won't be as important
as everything mean I do and everything
mean you say
Sunday isn't the Sabbath
its a day to do laundry
There is no magical one
You don't and I know you don't
well the kisses can't be that sweet
and you aren't my father's shoulder
Lick the sugar off my lips
if you need a sugar rush
In Dante's inferno the first circle of hell is lust
that is no joke
If I could rewrite it the second circle would
be forgiveness
The third is starting your life over
when you hate your life
and the last is having dinner
with Judas and Hitler and your past lovers
even the one who liked star trek
I didn't know you could be an avatar
if I were I'd be red haired
a warrior princess
I'd have a room full of cats
oh shit I do
I'd have wings and a thunderbolt that
would cure heartache
I'd have it all figured out
and never fall in love lust or even
watch any movie with Redford in it
If I had sat on the stairs
and whispered "I think I love someone else
but I want to love you too."
If.
Would you hand me your watch and say
"take all the time you need honey."
Would you throw me down the stairs
would you cut me off
take away my frequent flyer miles
refuse to punch my ticket
not answer the phone
when I just need to hear you laugh
with me
not with someone else laughing at me
hoping that will make me someone else
on a saturday
full of hopeless
hope
***********************************************
This was tough for me to write. It's part of finding closure on 70 days of pain, getting on with it and being happy with the choices I've made for my life. It's about forgiveness and regret and mostly about hope. When someone hands you a bucket of hope you leave a spot in your heart for them.
You can always email me at Summerpoet@msn.com and find my work at www.poetsummer.etsy.com
Carrie
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