Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The book of love

The book of Love

I was listening to Peter Gabriel sing the book of love today. I went to Itunes just to buy the song and had to buy the whole album. I almost didn't and then realized I would pay double just for the song.

The book of love is long and boring.
No one can lift the damned thing.
It's full of charts and facts and figures
and instructions for dancing
but I love it when you read to me
and you, you can read me anything.

I would be ok if I didn't have to speak one word today. Some days are like that and for most of the day I got by with a nod of the head or by pointing. I sat in the yard for a long time in the soft rain and it was so beautiful that it was almost remarkable. So ordinary the rain and so extraordinary. While sitting there a little text from the kid, "Mom I miss you." The last visit was a good one. I am grateful. I sent a message out into the world and there was silence. Well not entirely silence as I could hear a bird, something strange singing and I thought perhaps I hadn't hear his song before as he was visiting or perhaps he was romancing another bird, and this was his song, something new so she'd love him. Love works like that.

I couldn't move for the longest time, not one muscle. I said a few prayers, simple and yet almost impossible to figure the mystery of the day myself. I drank from a water bottle until it was empty and it felt like the water was not only falling down my skin but down inside of me and it was comforting like swimming and I was a mermaid for a few moments who just lived in the water until she fell in love and then never wanted to be in the water again.

The violins were playing through my ears and Gabriel's scratchy voice almost speaking rather than singing stretching the notes out like I was trying to drag out the morning.

but I love it when you read to me
and you can read me anything
The book have has music in it
in fact that's where music comes from
some of it's just transcendental and some of it's just really dumb
but I love it when you sing to me
and you, you can sing me anything.

I couldn't remember what transcendental meant and then a few minutes later I can remember wondering before what it meant and knew it was superior. Things superior, nothing ordinary. I love that. I took the hair from my brush and put it at the base of the tree and one of the big robins scooped it up and was off to put it in her nest. The other day one of the big nests feel from the three and I could hear her squawking about it for hours and I just didn't have the heart to look inside. The lawn guy threw it away.

When we lived in the City, I tried to rescue birds from a nest and at the time we had a big malmute. He was crazy, full of fire and when I tried to rescue the birds, he bit me, drawing blood scaring me. So I elected to leave the nest there afraid it would only stir the cats. I could hear Suzy saying "Jesus Carrie it's like you've never seen a cartoon before."

It's like you've never dealt with someone who's angry
its like you've never met you in the male form
its like you've never fallen and got back up
its like you never fallen and stayed there.

If I could have stayed there all day in the rain, sitting up on the table over looking the yard and the birds and the tall tall trees that act as a canopy over my head, I would have. Who looses a whole day under the trees? Not me. I knew at the end of this summer i'd be making decisions, to open doors and now to close them. I'd be making plans to do something, get off the fence, move on, move up, move over. I really do hate change. I've hated change for as long as I can remember. It makes me sad, it makes me afraid. I can't even fake brave today. I keep putting my hand on my knee, palm up waiting for an answer to fall there. Today I had a hand full of rain. Tomorrow who knows. Tiny shiny things fall from the sky all the time. Sometimes you know how to take care of it and you will risk the bite of an animal. Sometimes you just let the lawn guy take it away.

Emily said goodbye over and over in each poem. Will I? I'm not sure. Today I will not say goodbye, just good luck with that. I am so glad it rained today and rained and rained and rained. My cup overflows and my heart does too.

If someone asked me to write the book of love, I'd have to include valentines and kisses on the stairs. I'd add a whole chapter on patience and being careful. I'd draw a map to the first place I was ever kissed. The poems would be so jammed inside there would be no room for sadness on any page. Love never ends well. There is no happily ever after, someone leaves, someone dies, some falls out. But the in between time is magical like one of those pop up books when we were kids.

Mom I feel you close by today and I miss you more.


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