Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Monsters

When I am not getting what i want
I isolate my heart, lick my wounds
the next bus stop is lonely
and from there around the corner, sadness
and for some sadness is just a passing thought
but for me it's a room without windows
and the shadows cast from the doorway
are giant monsters that don't eat you
they just peck at you and tear off little pieces
they don't even dine on, they just spit it out
on the floor like the peas we spit out on our plate
as a child

And even when you know that you created the monsters
they are a construct of your vivid imagination gone all wrong
when another warrior will tap you on the shoulder to remind you
that they are of your design
the fear is nonetheless real
This is no act and if it were why would you pick this part?
No really, I'll trade in my pajamas for Ophelia's gown,
Juliet's Robe, Elizabeth's crown
All I am certain is that this will pass
because the rooms they keep people who believe it will not pass
are all full and boy is there a waiting list
because it has in the past
and it always does that's what sadness is
it's not Noah and the Ark, its a rainstorm
that can a fill a swimming pool
and after we have floated in despair
the mad season will end and when the latin man
in the tight shorts shows up to the drain the water
your best hope he doesn't drain all the extra seratonin from your head

And because I have a desire for learned men
I will get the text book explanation for the whys and the hows
the inner workings of the head of a wonky girl
who expects too much from the world
because mostly I don't want this life to be ordinary
not for you, not for anyone else either
I want your expectations to be what mine are because you see
and I'm not sure you do
I have a wonderful life
I am loved enough
I do what makes me happy
I have lived through my worst and best expectations
of this go around
I don't get bored and I shouldn't dare ask for any more
but isn't that human nature?

When you have
the sounding board
the rescue ship
the escape plan
So shouldn't you be fearless?
I've known the love of men and they have wallowed in my love
and my loss
So tell me so I understand carefully
why I don't want to speak one word today
why I don't want go outside and look one person in the eye
and tell them that I can't figure out the shame of being sad
when even I in the midst of that sadness
know I have no right to be, sad.

There was no tornado through here today
but today was the first day of the spring season so they set off the alarm
a wake up call to all of us that nature will rise
so soon I won't have the frozen ground as an excuse
soon the days will be longer and I will be stronger
Soon I will be back on track, yes the train derailed
yes, she was gone for awhile
yes, she's unsure of what the next decision is
but there will be no more "I don't know"
That notion has crumbled to dust and I am waiting for the springs winds
to blow it away
so if a bird lands in your garden and seems full of despair
be kind, throw down some seed and sing a little song of promise
sometimes that's all we have

I will think of T S Eliot today as I have for the past few days
and force the issue to a crisis
There is no marking my life with teaspoons of uncertainty
I am the green mermaid singing each to each
I don't want to talk of MichaelAngelo because you see he is dead
his bones are dust
and he wouldn't want us to whisper his name in indecision
a way to kill time before time kills us
He would want his name
to be a song not of a distraction but of the attraction
I want them to say when my bones are dust
she didn't wait for the world to happen to her
she was of the world, in the world and in your heart
if you just gave her the moment to be there
in that moment she took root and changed who you were
because fear was not on the agenda
not part of the flight plan

And what do I need?
I need a soft breeze to pass through my studio
lunch at the greek place with you
The kiss of a man who can hear the beating of a girl's heart at the
base of my neck
an afternoon of listening to Tori and her tiny piano keys
whispering to me that no girl, no sad girl was ever rescued
not by a knight
She was rescued in her own will of her own determined spirit
of all the female warriors before her and those
who follow after
those who charge the hill
those who move to new places even when they are alone
because of a little whisper of hope right under the third rib
When we know the way home
the way we charge forward cannot only be of a unknown fear
the last test result
the last review
the last thought you have before you shove your head
the pillow knowing the monsters that live under your bed
are munching on the swedish fish you hide there

Those monsters are only formidable because I am
the road only difficult because I wouldn't want the easy road
the men only complicated because even when I change my hunger the strength of a brilliant man never waivers
the Best Friend with the highest of expectation because that's what you expect of her
and looking up to her doesn't make your neck sore it makes my heart soar
The child with a crazy notion because he inherited it from you
and his green eyes from your hair triggered father
Nobody promises easy or safe or tidy or charmed
I never watched one episode of Batman when he and the younger
caped crusader just showed up and apprehended the criminal and called it a day
Life is about getting those purple tights dirty
and waking up tomorrow to do it all over again
this time in nicer boots

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