Sunday, March 28, 2010

Always a Part of Me

Today was a day to celebrate inner strength. Sundays are always a little unstructured for me. I never know what the day will present. But I am trying you see to get things back on track, to finish healing and to get on with things. Almost 9 weeks ago The Dog had her kittens and only recently have they started to take over the house. They were like Gremlins up and down the stairs even venturing to the third floor which I was certain wasn't going to happen.

They were starting to be more than Cat #2 or #3, they had personalities now, I had started to name them in my head, Pee Wee, white cat one and two or thing one and two, Leroy, Jr., you get the idea. I kept thinking back to when Richie was home and how Dirty White Boy was in pure trauma mode and didn't like the idea of anyone else touching him and did I want to put these seven little bundles of love through that trauma. I placed the ad and today seven different families showed up to claim their newest family member. There was a touching young couple, full of new romance and love that made me smile long after they were gone. A woman, very type A with her family, two loving daughters, one older and one younger who wanted to be ever so sure she picked just the right cat. I liked her a bunch, so full of love for animals. I was touched by the family of four, the dad even soft to the idea and his kids so cute, one sweeter than the next so excited and they already had a few cats so perhaps the little green eyed kitten wouldn't mind trading in his brothers and sisters for someone a little more protective.

I was worried how I'd part with Pee Wee. He was the smallest and Best Friend and I spoke a few times about how I wasn't sure he would make it, so much smaller than the others, all needing to nurse. I would give him a head start, holding back the others, giving him cat formula. (Cat formula is so expensive even I had a hard time believe it) Pee Wee has been my favorite. His tenacity has given me pause a few times and I have snapped a few photos of him taking naps and playing. My favorite taking a nap in my brown jacket while I work and more recently sleeping on my bed side table under the lamp. The call came from a group of girls all living together in Chicago studying at the Art Institute. They wanted a mascot of sorts, something to love away from home, they could all share and I immediately thought of Pee Wee and sent a text or two with photos and their excitement made it ok to let him go. I couldn't have been more pleased when the girls showed today, in a car they pooled to rent so they could escort him home safely. They will love him more than any cat has ever been loved, and they all made me miss my sweet nieces. There is nothing like the energy and love of a group of young girls getting what they want. They promise to send me a movie of him next week and have already sent me photos of the pee meister wrapped in an old Navajo blanket. I couldn't have been happier even though I will miss him terribly. He's loved and isn't that what we all want?

I will miss each of them and I temper that with the excitement that somewhere people are loving them, so excited, can't hold them enough, taking special care, and my house is back to normal, well almost. After the excitement of the day, I headed off to clear my head a little. My son, always leaving something behind, left an unmarked CD from when he was visiting on the coffee table. I picked it up on my way out, hoping it wasn't something I didn't want to see or hear and put on my red wool coat. It's not Spring warm yet (although they promise this week that will happen) and my red coat has been my armor this winter, it feels like a second skin and I love the buttons. Buttons make anything good, perfect.

I popped in my car, put in the CD, left the volume low and went to Starbucks for an iced black tea and hot coffee. The volume was low on the stereo, didn't recognize the singing and left the volume down, just a mumble here and there. I found myself some fruit at the local market, some new cheese, and strawberries, hoping they aren't cardboard as they have been out of season for months. I drove then, to the woods, where I usually drive when I am feeling blue, a little cloudy headed and decided to drive my bitch of a car, open her up and see what she can do and let my hair fly out the window. I turned up the CD because that's what you do when you're driving and I could hear a voice singing that I've never really heard before but the song seemed familiar. "You'll always be a part of me. I'm part of you indefinitely, girl don't you know you can't escape me, because you'll always be my baby. " I had this conversation this week. How does that happen? "If you're determined to leave girl I will not stand in your way. But you'll be back again because you know in your heart our love will never end." Some of the words exactly as they have been a few times, tossed around in frustration, sometimes anger, and mostly confusion. I saved the message "Go Away" and the message "I don't think I can." I can be intolerable. It will remind me later that I need (in the words of the dearly departed North) "Calm The Fuck Down." This is a very complicated military phrase you see and from what he's told me, it mostly applies to women, like me.

I am an emotional girl, make no mistake about it. The complicated part? I have a very casual attitude about things that don't interest me at all, just letting anything and everything slide but when I am caught up, woah. I have knee jerk reactions to things and I seldom trust or really trust my gut. Tell me again I make good choices and I'll point to a few that aren't remarkable. Best Friend and I had discussions all week. She'd tell me, let it go, stop clenching, trust a little, enjoy the ride, you're fun, be fun. Please be fun. She knows how I have been struggling with healing and with keeping back the blues, not wanting to rush the process for fear I will fall on my face. I kept thinking I had heard the song before, but couldn't place the voice, sure my kid had downloaded this from itunes or some other place and then burned it. It was Mariah. That's where I heard it, it's old but the voice is new. Now I wished Joe Cocker had rolled the words around his scratchy throat and I'd listen to him later, sing come together or on the wings of love.

The car was flying and I was sipping iced tea rounding the turns I've driven as a kid, when I first was licensed and my friends and I would cut school and find the bump, still there, where if you hit it fast enough, Wendy's Dad's Impala would be air born for a few moments and then hit the ground in a thud. We'd go to the woods and walk along the edge of the lakes there while Mrs. Kerns was teaching poetry. She taught me to love "If I had loved you less or played you slyly I could have held you for a summer more. But at the cost of words I valued highly and no such summer as the one before." With each turn I wanted just to let go a little more, just to live in the moment, be glad I had moved to get the kittens homes, that I had spent some time painting a little time writing over the past week that I could swallow iced tea without cringing. The black tea was so wonderful. I wanted to play with teas when I got home, making some black tea infused with raspberry tea and then chilling it so tomorrow I would have it waiting for me. Best Friend had a rant about the spring berries this morning and I think it was stuck in my head.

And even in distraction I could hear new lyrics, the musical poems "here on my terms have some faith in me and Ill let you be who you need to be. Life on the moon could it be any stranger? Life on the moon would it feel this far away?" Who I need to be huh? Who I need to be these days makes me wonky let alone someone else. Only Best Friend lets me be who I want to be. She celebrates when some new facet of me appears out of the blue even if it drives me to distraction or to the woods. Have some faith in you eh? I have been struggling with this. I've never heard the song before but couldn't get enough, loving the acoustics trapped and bouncing off the walls of my car.

"Here on my terms have some faith in me and I'll let you need who you need to be." I am the girl who cries when the kittens find new homes. I am the girl who will pick a fight to keep from feeling stupid, especially when I am. "getting lost in my own atmosphere, stars in the sky are the stars in my eyes." I was out there driving in the woods a dozen years ago when life seemed to be going all just great, the girl who had it all and then I went out and saw a movie alone, a movie nobody would want to see and had a little melt down about it and drove to the woods. And all because I was waiting for some hero to step in and say "Carrie, I have this, no worries here." When you have everything else but that, you have nothing. Lesson learned. And lately even when HE tells me this I don't believe him. I am a shit. When someone tells you something you wait to hear and wait to hear and wait to hear and even before he finishes you are wondering if he's shining you on. When will I believe it? How Broken is broken when you can let yourself love but you can't let someone love you? When he says "Don't change one thing." the whole time you're thinking, I am trying to change everything. I pray for a common soul, get a miracle. When God presents us miracles we should take notice. I have.

One of the first things we ever discussed forever ago was feeling lonely even when you are in a crowded room and it was singing at me through the stereo so I knew that someone else felt this way or tried to figure it all out. I couldn't wait to get home to figure out who had been singing to me for over an hour and well over 100 mph. I sat in the car for a few, sent a message or two, called Suzy to remind her I love her. And the miracle finds me. He was looking for me while I was parked in the drive watching the sun fall in its last few minutes of glory. Sometimes he'd find me here at 5 when the winter was all over my yard and now two hours later one hour given to me by mother nature and the other man trying to control mother nature. Does he have any idea that he's rescued me again? Perhaps it doesn't seem a big deal to rescue a girl from a few moments of lingering sadness not wanting to go in the house and break it to The Dog her kids are gone. The good news? They won't be back asking for money or leaving a mess on the third floor. I think she hardly noticed. She could use the break and so could I. I even said goodbye first. I am working the equation, being tough, making solid decisions, not falling too hard and if I have already, pulling it back and I can. I remember telling myself even out loud "Be Fearless."

Best Friend has often said to me if you want to be alone, the world will leave you alone. If you want to go through this life just going through the motions, hitting the mark when you have to be there, life will move just fine. You will wake up years wondering what really passed. When you've waited for test results, when you're sure you're too tired to contribute to anything, when you're sure everything that is wonderful has already happened you create your own language. Go Away is I'm too afraid that I will need you, maybe more than I already do. I could hear Melissa sing to me there in the car, in the drive, the sky turning from blue to purple. Her voice was clear and true

Meet me in the dark. Meet me in the shadows.
Past the old grave yard down eisenhower road.
Meet me where the storms blow out on their own dear.
Meet me in the dark and never let me go.
I know everyone has their own unspoken fear
it eats away their senses and their humanity
they carry all their secrets every night down to the river
and they so hard to drown them
they wont do that to me
cause I'm working hard
saving all my money
and the tips in this jar will buy a brand new set of wings
for my Mercury
until then please
Meet me in the dark. Meet me in the shadows.
Past the old grave yard down eisenhower road.
Meet me where the storms blow out on their own dear.
Meet me in the dark and never let me go.
Keep your eyes down
say that you don't know me
I couldn't not survive if they took you away

If you push someone away enough they stay away. Yes, unclench. Sometimes there is magic in the dark, in little whispers, in hope. I have a pocket full of hope today and I'd gladly share it with you. When I am running low on Hope, I call my Best Friend or sit in my driveway during the gloaming and when it's said and done count my blessings. The Q will remind me that there was a time when everything I did was 100 mph hair on fire, no doubt, no explanation and little apology. Sometimes when I think back on it, it's like watching a movie of someone else. We were fearless and sleepless for 3 years or was it 5? A friendship forged in love and the need to be awake, really awake. She missed a Thanksgiving for the sake of passion. Fuck the drumstick.

The Singer? David Cook. Yes, David Cook of Idol fame. I must admit I haven't watched Idol since Fantasia won. I just haven't cared all that much. I posted both of the songs here and I like his voice. Leave it to my kid who thinks he never teaches me anything to leave me such a treasure. I love that kid.


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