Monday, April 5, 2010

Quotes that Amuse Me

Of course the most memorable quotes always come from my Best Friend. On the topic of motherhood, and her mother in particular.

"My mother makes this guy peach pie and he cleans her gutters. I am sure this is an euphemism for something else but I don't want to think about it too much."

From the Leprechaun "Ya know the problem with Daylight savings? You don't really know when to stop well, working."

From The Bossy Republican: "These pants? What's wrong with these pants. I've had them for thirty years." (Somewhere a designer drops dead every time he says this.)

My Niece Laura: "If you were a book of the bible, which would you be?"

From my child when I commented that some friend of his aunt's claims a 147 IQ and I reminded this fellow that my son gets by with less than half those points. "Very Funny Mom, who wants to carry around extra points they don't need."

From the Newly departed North "Calm the Fuck Down." and of course "I do and you know I do."

From Katie, my sweet very smart niece, "p.s. I love women who try very hard to appear as though they're not trying at all, that's a level of self control awareness even gay men cannot aspire to." (isn't this genius?) and of course, So, in case you were wondering, intense red with auburn is pretty much just brown with a tint of red." She's talking about hair dye, something we both share as powerful interests.

From Sara Gotta Love Her Palin: "Left Unalakleet warmth for rain in Juneau tonite. No drought threat down here, ever but consistent rain reminds us: 'No rain? No rainbow!'"

From Elise, my far too old for her age niece. I really did think this was hers and find out recently it's some country song, "Screw the horses let's ride cowboys."

From My Best Friend when riding in a car with me and sees her reflection in a big glass window, "I make this car look good, Hell I make everything look good. I class up everywhere I go." This is one of my favorite quotes from her of all time.

From my brother: "Stop caring what your kid does and just be glad he's not moving home." This is PURE genius.

From Kid Rock, often quoted by my Best Friend, "You get what you put in and people get what they deserve."

From Al Franken: “It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you.”

From one of the most romantics in the world: "You're ducking turning me on."

From my brother about my painting of a tree "That belongs in an opium den"

From Cassilyn the niece who hates wearing clothes and eating anything, "No, no no no no no no." She's a genius already.

From my Best Friend "are you sure there are no secret spices in ham?"

From Balzac: "Great love affairs start with Champagne and end with tisane."

From The Bossy Republican: "Carrie, I know pants with pleats are out of fashion but they aren't hamma pants." (yes they are)

From a new song I've just heard: "If you have a little faith in me I can let you be who you need to be."

From Best Friend when she heard the dog had 7 kittens. "Carrie gets and F in animal husbandry."

From Rob: "your farm is a clusterfuck"

From TMobile: "Ma'am we've never had a problem with the blackberry flip phones." (This one almost caused me to fall off my chair.)

From The bossy Republican: "Carrie, it wasn't again and again and again, just one again." When I think of this I laugh out loud over and over again and again.

From Richie: "Every time I come home there's another cat and another project to do."

And of course, in all hilarity, a series of text messages from my Best Friend on her way home from work in the DC bus system, which after having ridden a few times is by far the wackiest bus system in the world:

Me: You there?
BF: just got on the bus
BF: Hot out
BF: Whadda you got?
Me: Rainy, cold
BF: Guy at bus stop was Mr. Pee Pants
Me: Nice, only in DC
BF: Tornado weather
BF: No, Dc in the summer
Me: HA ha
BF: Didn't realize hot was tough on bladder control
Me: Cold beer can fuck you up
BF: Never heard that before
Bf: Sounds like leprechaun wisdom
Me: He's mia
Bf: So are we having fish for dinner?
Bf: Maybe, or in the middle of the action and cant see the shore
Me: not sure
Bf: After four
Me: Sure
Bf: Duck the ham then
Bf: What are WE doing for fun?
Bf: I got pee pants 2 and loud talker here
Me: ha ha
Bf: Oh super, and to round it out a wailing child
Bf: I am the ham, duck me
Me: Quit it you are making me laugh
Bf: Girl on the street, VERY tight red sox shirt, skirt to her ankles, work boots and wait for it, ready?
Bf: She thinks she's hot
Bf: ha
Me: So does karen, go figure.
Bf: even wailing pants looking at her cuz don't u know she's on my bus
Bf: Hottie has on fake eye lashes that look like spiders
Me: Taking off my fake eyelashes right now
Bf: Wailer hushed pee pants left, maybe I can make it home
BF: Taking them where? maybe hottie collects old ones
Bf: Take them to salvation army
Bf: Man boobs just got on sat down next to hottie
Bf: Toss up as to who is hotter
me: Jesus
Bf: Next apt? walking distance to work
Me: I caught leroy for love
Bf: Rousing debate on when mighty mouse was on TV
Bf: Caught him doing what?
Me: ha ha I miss bus chatter
Me: Caught him to love on him
BF: Ha! man boobs just yelled shut the hell up y'all cant you see I'm romancing my woman here
Me: You?
Bf: lmao, no hottie in red sox
Bf: He likes her boots
Me: Boots make the woman
Bf: or maybe he said boobs
Me: Lunch at bk
Me: then mad park ducking
Bf: 1957 year of the mighty mouse, i swear to god
Bf: That's not what parks are for
Bf: they are for jerking off on trees
Me: You dont watch cheaters
Me: Happens every day
Bf: My not watching balances the universe for your watching it in repeats
Me: Sometimes three peats
Me: ha
BF: Ha, no way
Me: yup
BF: I'm going to have to double up on pbs
Bf: hot guy in lexus suv has 6 of those 29 cent tree air fresheners hanging in his window
Me: Ha ha you have a white trash best friend ducking cope with it
Me: he farts in his car
BF: Ha, could be he's swarthy
Bf: Big class ring on middle finger right hand, is this a symbol of anything but horrid taste?
Bf: Beeped his horn scared me
BF: Calling with the leprechaun? what's the occasion?
Bf: Crikey a fire truck
BF: I spot your potential boyfriend ahead waving his arm so bus will stop, we haven't moved in five minutes and he refuses to walk here
Me: Oh I miss that picking out boyfriends
BF: Absolutely your boyfriend he looks angry
Me: dancing to music not even realizing it's your own cell phone, I miss that too
BF: I swear to d uck I want to take the world pol out of this dictionary
Me: I know
Bf: Guy in car in lane facing us has no shirt on
Bf: He may be naked
Me: our nation's capitol
Bf: I miss all the good chit
Bf: it's hot out there people look sweaty
Bf: cmon baby sweat for me, who's your daddy now?
Bf: Some big heads of state mtg here monday warned us traffic would be bad
me: they should let them meet bus patrons
Me: Some sweat smells good
Bf: That's aftershave
Me: Some men too manly for aftershave
Bf: he thinks you're perfect, he's delusional
Me: Pretty close
Me: He shines me on
BF: You're a polisher yourself
Bf: And I didn't even mean Polish which is what came up
Me: He could be perfect, who knows
Bf: what not to wear photo just got on
Me: Take a picture I dare ya
Bf: Too dim, too far
Bf: and very obvious
Me: Dim and Obvious? That's richie
Bf: OMG been on the bus over an hour
Bf: Or dimansmelly
Bf: or a shared screen name with his g/f Dimanddimmer

At this point we get separated because of the appointed hour or either of us wanders off. I almost forgot how much I love to text. If you haven't tried it, I recommend it highly.

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