Friday, January 15, 2010
Et je me demande parfois
et je sais l'm dur
mais jai besoin vous pour se tourner vers
quand je suis si aveugle
jai besoin de vous pour se tourner vers
quand je perds la commande
you au sujet de mon ange de guardien
qui emepehe d'entre le froid.
I made up with a friend last night. We had an argument months ago, bitter words, hurt feelings, the whole deal. I wasn't an innocent in this ordeal, let me assure you. I have a short, quick temper at times and my tongue is a deadly tool of destruction.
Making up is the hard part. Swallowing pride can make us feel so little, another thing I do not do well. We weren't close friends, those friends that know each other and wonder about the rest when there's time and is there ever enough time? No. I need 8 more hours in a day and when the world explodes next year, when the calendar ends, when all is a disaster perhaps they will let me develop the next calendar. No worries there, I will put in time for lingering in bed with the kittens in the morning and long lunches with the Best Friend. I will set aside a whole month off no matter where you work or what you do and in that month you get to spend that time any way you like, even alone. They won't ask me, don't get all excited and I won't either.
So we met in the middle somewhere and he said I'm sorry first. That's important. Men should do that no matter what. I know it's not fair but fishing out the particular circumstances of an argument never work and hell I am always right. It's a chick thing. I was relieved. You can't imagine. To pretend someone hasn't hurt your feelings just to make things run smoothly is horrid. It's the elephant in the room, the arm hanging by a thread when you are saying over and over again, "everything is OK here.", it's a nightmare. So he spit it out first and in that I could soften my heart to the situation. I could find something to salvage.
Friendship isn't like family. Family you just accept and get on with it but with Friendship you have to work to find that comfortable position of trust and like and hell even enthusiasm. I have friends I like and adore even but when the world is beating on the door and all you have time for is the ride home and a chat with best friend at midnight (because the world is beating up on her also) then you forget a little what is important to someone, how they hold their heart and stepping on it is like finding a fake mouse one of the kittens leave in my boot. It's a little sign from someone that they were looking for me and for some attention. Being lonely or needing someone isn't a crime and it's not something to be ashamed of.
Best Friend teases me that I can't let go of a bad relationship with someone that I have to revisit it over and over again to try and fix what is broken and make it right and when she's done she just done. I can't even say goodbye at the end of a phone call. I just can't bring myself to say the words, I hate them. Good bye. It's not good, let's just leave it at find me again, or see ya later, or something but goodbye? If you are strong and you are brave and if you have a heart full of forgiveness there's never a goodbye. If you love carefully and strong and if you are someones shield and they are yours, there's more than three strikes, always. Love isn't baseball and my heart isn't keeping score. It can't.
I don't have knock down arguments with people I love. I don't need to win anything. In fact when my sweet nieces are arguing about some silly game for the 100th time I have stopped them to make them apologize. Then my sweet blond niece, who is always determined to win says to me, "Auntie Carrie it's not our fault you don't mind losing at everything." Yes, sometimes I let them win, sometimes I don't care to win and sometimes I am just going through the motions. She's a wise girl but still had to go to bed early for arguing and for her wise tongue.
When you forgive someone their misgivings it makes your heart lighter and today I feel light-hearted a little, the contributing factor to it I suppose is someone just saying I'm sorry.
What do I gotta do to make you love me
what do I gotta do to make you care
what do i do when lightning strikes me
and I wake to find that you're not there
what do I do to make you want me
what do I do to be heard
What do you say when it's all over
and sorry seems to be the hardest word?
When lightning strikes its good to have no bad feelings out there in the world. Pride never gets stuck in your throat and if it does, drink some champagne and wash it down and laugh a little. There was a reason this person who angered you had value in the first place. Finding that value may help you find a piece of yourself again or a piece of God.
Thanks for spending this time with me.