Half Way There

Half Way There


She was chattering at the table next to me
in a fine hotel restaurant in DC the land of government
and tourism a transient place
warm and cold
bragging on a man she knew
a man she was just with here at the hotel
"He called me and we decided to meet half way." she said.

I smiled like the cheshire cat
I'd eaten a bird sitting in my tree
watching her cluck cluck cluck away
in a thick Asian accent often calling herself her own name
third person references scare me and let me tell you why
if someone calls themselves their own name
they are void of responsibility of what happens with that name

Carrie broke someone's heart today
Carrie didn't hit the mark
Carrie said she'd stand watch and fell asleep
Carrie stepped on a bird
I had a hard time trusting people who didn't use the word I
For me there is only one Carrie
well two, me and The King Character who burned down the gym
Carrie was a bad girl

I wondered about him for a few and then he glided in
on confident feet, and he was beautiful
they were equally beautiful
He sat across from her
they lunched, brunched, munched quietly
She didn't ask many questions but I wanted to
I wanted to ask why they weren't having lunch
at her place, making all comfortable surprising him with the china pattern
I was caught in the web of his laugh

Better yet why weren't they at his place
eating under the painting she had painted for him
giggling in bath robes
lover's kisses with a little toast in the corner of your mouth
"He doesn't love you." I whispered
I don't care if he shouted it out in a moment of passion

He
Doesn't
Love
You

You had this man in your body a few minutes ago
and he's able to glide around here
looking at the waitress and wondering about her ass
I could feel the tiger lily up my gut
and if I opened my mouth I would have laughed
hysterically and shouted no man who loves you only goes half way

I wanted to put her ass on a space shuttle and half way to the sky
cut the engine
I wanted to bake her a chocolate cake and only bake it for 20 minutes
instead of the 40 minutes recommended on the package
and then make her eat it
I wanted to pull out my violin and play Pachabell and only play
half of the canon in D minor
and smile coyly and shout "this is what you get when you love Pachabell half way."
You are left aching, not that you are sorry
you started to listen just wishing you could finish
I wanted to read her from my head Emily but half
"Hope is a thing with feathers"
"Delayed until she had ceased to know"
and finish with
"that short potential stir"
He'd wonder if I was being insulting

Insulting? I am fighting here for your soul
I am trying to show you that this woman has the potential
to love you
all women do
but not half way
eat half a candy bar you want the other half
show someone half of the sky and they will wonder about the other half
ignoring all in their life just to see the other clouds
This polite brunch should be eaten naked
on the floor on a blanket
stained with wet
drinking champagne at 11am
and followed by a shower and maybe a nap
If you are going to have him inside of you
let him push so hard you can feel it touch your heart

When Romeo was at the wall
he didnt say to juliet "hey meet me in Cincinnati and we'll get it on."
F Scott Fitzgerald wrote of love
"At eighteen our convictions are hills from which we look; at forty-five they are caves in which we hide."
We hide in hotel rooms
we hide in crowds
at brunch
I hide my heart in a coffee cup with a little sugar at the bottom


A friend called, a male friend and said
"I'll be in your city to take my daughter to school, want to see me"?
I thought of the handsome strange brunching.
"No, but I may a week from then, think you'll make the trip?"
We both knew the answer
I could hear the Aida in my head
"I need not ask and you need not reply."
I thought one day the quiet space between us with be a wall
a wall you aren't strong enough climb
and my neck is sore from looking up wondering if you'll try
hearts are broken this way every day

Our hearts betray us
When he's off chasing demons
the woman who loves will wait and wait and wait
we'll wait when we're sad
we'll wait because we want you to be the knight
we'll wait like Emily did when she was wondering
"If you're coming in the fall"
Sure she'd brush the summer by but would she still be breathless?
It's hard to be breathless when you are tired.

If I thought for a moment my love, my heart, my key to the kingdom
were easy to find
I'd move to Transylvania and hide it under a bucket of blood
the kind of blood that's been there so long
it's like jello
"Oh go look over there, you'll find it,
it's under the poem we don't read anymore."
I used to know that poem by heart
for moments when we were alone
and it was quiet and I knew you loved me
I knew it like I knew the words to that poem
the next word rushing into my head with such joy
and read in a fashion that would make TS smile
from his cold grave
and we would plan trips to Paris Prague Morocco

Now alone in Paris I can't remember the words
something about a mermaids
and MichaelAngelo and your life measured
out in coffee spoons
I missed the cat more when he ran away
but Leroy loves me better and
after his adventure he came back smelling of asphalt
not cheap Walgreens perfume.
Leroy won't walk half the way home
he won't hesitate to love me
I'll leave the window open
I'll fight off the bugs that sneak in
I will keep my heart full of hope
because hope is never half way through anything.

The Line

On Men

Recently someone asked me the first thing I look at when I see a man
I didn't even have to think on it
I have put my eyes on paintings from the great masters
I have known men and they have known me
I have loved and lost and
because of my art, romance is part of my life every day
even if it's not in my life
When I look at a man I always look first at the line
from his neck to his shoulder
The weight of the world rests there

To not acknowledge that we live in a feminist world
would be an awful oversight
I can do the job most men do
but I can't stand up to pee
I can't teach a child to ride a bicycle
and as a woman am awarded certain liberties

If my car breaks down a man will likely stop and ask to help
nobody will ever ask me to move a dead animal
or kill spiders
or fix the garage door, they would just know better
I'd never have to fix a flat
or drain the water from a basement
fight a fire even though I know there are women who do these things
I don't have to
its not my experience
its so far removed from my life I don't even think about it
and I like it that way

I marvel at men
men of dignity and honor and grace
the way they move
when they make you comfortable
when they calm your jittering hands
when you crash into them and your body can rest
when you look for them when you are coming
unglued and gluing you back is something
they just know

I understand this isn't all men
and picking those that don't have it together
can be a rush
to be in control, to own it
but when we are making those choices we know we are
choosing beneath us just because it's easy
those men you don't have to be anything special around
as they will give you an inch a mile, their whole lives

but when you fine one of those lines
one of those strong fine lines
the man who wears a suit like he's born in it
when you watch him charm women
with bright eyes and a quick smile
making them at ease
putting their hand in the small of your back
and leading you around the room
you just know they can conquer your heart
you know what they say will be true
or maybe you just want it that way
they will take you dancing, twirling around like mad
you will love them and if you are lucky
they will let you love them

You can cry on that line
you can smother it with little kisses
he can carry you horseback style over
water puddles in your finest silk heels
you can dance on his heart and he will recover
you can pout and he will be strong
you can scream in the night and he will arrive
unafraid of even you

Oh the magical line that holds the world
that solves the crime
that makes us all believe that there is
truth and grace in the world


************************************************
I lost a saturday, so can you. You can't find it if your eyes are closed. You can't see if if you are angry or hurt. He can't possibly embrace you if you are embroiled in self doubt or worry or even melancholy. When you are watching it will sit quietly on your shoulder and then scoop you up and make you whole.

You can always find me at Summerpoet@msn.com or my art at www.poetsummer.etsy.com.

Carrie

Best Friendisms

She does make me laugh

Having the Best Friend close reminds me that she does make me laugh, not just a timid giggle, those crazy primate screams of laughter. When I am heading down to the station sure I don't want to come back she pulls me back from the hot rail. When I think of something that makes me laugh, that gives me a new twist to the world, it doesn't seem real until I share it with her. She's my constant life companion. No matter what happens tomorrow, no matter if I show up with a body in the trunk, no matter if I call her sobbing not sure what is in my kid's head so hurt, so full of sorrow, sobbing sorrow, she can fix it. Can you imagine? So I was at dinner last night thinking of the things she says that make me laugh days later when I am alone in line at the post office when I can't hold it and just burst out in laughter.

Her irritation with me:
We were driving through a cemetery and loads of these little buildings with stained glass portraits and of course the giant statues of Jesus praying to his father and I just ask her "why do you think jesus always looks so serious, wouldn't you think he'd just bust out in laughter?"
Her response: "He wasn't a fucking clown Carrie, he was the savior of the world. He had bigger things going on." (Today he's in the sudan, of this I am certain)

Her defense of me:
Someone (well more than a few someones call her and say "Why is your best friend such a flipping bitch?"
Her response: "What did you do to her?"
(Gods I do love her)

Her fear I am fucking with her life:
Her response when I told her I send a secret note of interest to a co-worker:
"Oh you're getting a fucking 9-5 Job and I am going to go there and fuck with people, you're getting a job today."
So, I wrote about this recently, about the mysterious letter and while reading it to her I could hear her say "Oh my God, you didn't write that Carrie." I'd read a little more and I could hear her say "Jesus Carrie if he reads this and I think he does you are going to get a call." Big deal. It's funny and we are rolling in laughter, laughter so hard my face is full of tears and we are howling.

Her delight with herself:
While driving downtown we pass one of those giant glass buildings on a sunny Monday afternoon (if you only knew how much I miss those mondays, if you only knew) and she catches her image in one of the windows;
"Damn I make this car look good, then again I class up anywhere I go."
So later I tell this to my niece katie in hysterical laughter and her response?
"isn't that special?"
This still makes me laugh

On Boring men:
"Oh I am not rowing this boat alone."

On Human contact:
Best Friend will get a call from her brother, my brother, my kid, men I know, neices, nephews "Why doesn't Carrie ever answer the phone?" Her Response, "She always answers when I call." Ha, fuck em. She is sure I shuffle by the phone in some slippers and flip em off, fuck you not today, no not today. My kid recently called her looking for me in whispers with humongous elaborate lie and let me tell you that little idiot doesn't do elaborate well. She calls me, "got the strangest call from your kid today, you ok?" Sure was a target. My kid is always working the game and today he couldn't find his own personal human ATM machine and was frantic. "let him sweat."

On Love
At lunch we were talking about a friend, a dear old friend with crazy ass eyebrows. "She has a lot of love to offer the world" I say in kindness even though the idea of her creeps me out to no end. Best Friend's response? "She should find a way to share that without irritating the shit out of people." I'll keep that next week when someone is irritating the shit out of me and I will hope for them that they fix it. "She will never read your blog Carrie and if she did she wouldn't think its about her." The funnier part? Her sister would read it and know it was her. The funniest part? Her husband would read it, KNOW it was her and read it naked looking for porn stars. He's a super freak, super freaky now.

On Bossy Republican Assholes:
"there's nothing say about him, just hang up." If she's here, she'll hang up on him and save me the effort.

On teasing boys:
So I run into some boy she's tormenting. He's not sure what day of the week it is and she's giggling away. He tells me she told him she enjoyed dressing like a catholic high school girl for halloween. I break it to him, she was a smurf. Later I call her laughing "A naughty high school girl." Her response "Jesus did you fuck that up? I never fuck up your stories. You suck." In a word: Graphics. It's all about the Graphics.

On not really knowing:
So there are things my best friend forgets but the best part is the things doesn't know in the first place. She can beat your ass at scrabble so bad you wish you were playing a foreign language version just so you have a chance. When reading me excerpts from a Veitnam war novel she comes across the word gook and is sure it rhymes with look. I am about to lose it. What's a gook she asks? You have to love her, she didn't even know what a mud baby was. "Oh god Carrie, shut up." So she calls me and says, "Hey, what's a rack?" Something you put donuts on. "No, idiot, I was in the elevator taking down laundry and some boy on a bike said, "Hey, nice rack." You have to love she doesn't know she has perfect breasts.

On Laundry:
"I am off to buy new clothes, I can't face laundry today." When Richie was over at her house once he saw an entire basket of just panties waiting for wash day. He looks at me, "we could sell those for a fortune." The apple does not fall far from the tree. She's in for at least half the therapy.

At Dinner recently:
She picks up my sandwhich, dunks it in the little juice they give you, takes a bite and then squints her eyes "Oh wet bread, a little gross." Ok, I just laughed all over again thinking about this one because it followed this diddy, about a new friend of mine, the Commander: "Carrie, ya think the military did strange experiments on him like flash cards when he's tired, or injecting him with stuff? That would explain his horniness." my response? No honey, he's just a guy. I told her he was worried about opening my blog at work. She tells me, "I'd never open your blog at work, just thinking about it makes my ass clench." Ha. Live on the edge.

On irresponsible literature:
On the way to borders one day she tells me she has return something. It's a little book of porn she found the last time we were there and believe her me there was nothing hot about it and don'tcha know she's an expert on what's hot. She marches up to the desk, hands the dude the book, "didn't like it and may have launched into a criticism that would rival NY Times book review. I don't know, I left, slinking off hoping she wouldn't talk to me later. She sees me "HEY! they gave me my money back." Fuck.
A few years before that we were at Walmart buying supplies for the lake house. On the conveyor belt, a book a man's shirt ripped off, very torrid. "What's this I ask her?" her reply? "Oh this is going to be hot, look at how his shirt is ripped off. Gonna to be lots of sex in that book." The women standing around kinda leering over to see the cover. Days later, she dropped it in the hot tub a few times and the book was thick as three books, almost a dictionary of love. "No sex she says, 200 fucking pages into this and it's all about horses and stables." I've been tricked by Nicholas Sparks. I keep thinking it will be some wondrous love story and it's all stolen poetry put into prose that a third grader would understand. I hate him. And Nicholas if you are reading this? You owe me. You owe me for the books, the movie and my time spent. Forward me a check.

On Personal responsibility:
My son hated high school, never wanted to go and every day was a struggle. So on a monday when we were going to spend the day running something down she realizes he's sleeping in and no intention of going to school. She marches over to his door, knocks a maniacal bugs bunny knock and when he opens the door says to him:
"You have school." He replies "I'm not going today I'm not feeling well."
"Oh you're going and since you missed gym class, go run around the block a few times to keep true to yourself." He went.
It was right around that time she changed his porn star pin up girl screen saver to Barney and put a password on it. She also used a sharpie marker to put clothes on some of the pin up girl posters in his room. Later that night we were talking on the phone and Richie gets home runs in his room and I can hear the big rip of a poster, he marches into the living room "I don't know who the hell she thinks she is, she owes me $10." "Take it up with her I tell him." She's in for half his therapy, at least half.
When we were driving home from the lake one weekend Richie was mad abut something and threw a hot wheels car at the back of her head. She threw it out the window and when he threw a fit about it she stopped the car so he could get it and then drove off leaving him there. A little humility is good for the soul.
One day we will be sitting in a therapists office, a group therapy of sort and Richie will be there crying sobbing even blaming me for his failed life (even though we all know he'd be a better man now if he had just gotten laid in high school) and he will say "do you know how many times my aunt said to me, want some candy? and then when I said yes, she'd say" "Yeah, we all do."

On courage:
When I woke up from heart surgery and saw her face, so afraid she leaned over and whispered "All is OK, you always forget how strong you are, don't forget now." She never doubted for a second. She will tell me later that when she heard me flirting with the interns she ABSOLUTELY knew I was going to be just fine.



On Love:
We had several tearful conversations about her moving to DC. I was so sad, I can't begin to tell you how sad here, there aren't words. I was sure she'd be off to find a new best friend. "Carrie" she told me Love doesn't go away when we are off chasing a dream. It just waits there. I am never far and my love for you will never change. I will be home one day and home is where you are.

She was right and I hate when she's right.

****************************************************
She recently told me that I give her cocky courage and when she knows she's going to be close she takes risk. Boys tell me all the time that I am different after she's been close, a little too self confident. I can't imagine a life without her, it would be colorless and gray and not nearly as much fun. There were years where we didn't even sleep because we were chasing adventure. Everything changes, nothing stays the same. The young become the old as life's mystery unfolds. We love we lose we try and fail and then succeed in a grand fashion and I like it that way. If you haven't called your best friend and laughed, shared a secret, planned an escape, shared lunch. I suggest it, it soothes the soul.

Carrie

You can always find me at Summerpoet@msn.com or my work at poesummer@etsy.com.

forgiveness forgiveness even if even if

Ok, I am tracking down an evidence of a kind so if you don't hear from me be patient. I won't be answering emails so just be patient with me. I was listening to Don Henly this morning from the Bridge Collection, a throaty version of Heart of the Matter;

I'm learning to live without you now
but I miss you sometimes
and the more I know
the less I understand
all the things I thought I knew
I'm learning again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
and I think it's about forgiveness forgiveness
even if, even if you don't love me anymore

**************************

Mad On
It must be confusing for someone who loves me
I can go weeks even years and be just fine
and then a mad on will pass over me like a storm
and suddenly surrounded by thunder and lightning'
I decide to change my life.
I wake up and the status quo won't do
Today I am opening new windows
and decide whether I am climbing out on the ledge
or just getting a new view
and on the ledge today the ground seems far away
and the little birds are looking for my wings
oh those wings flew away with any kindness in my soul today
There's not much room for tenderness
when you're charting a course
Drake didn't love the sea but he respected the under current
Amelia rode the wind until she crashed and burned
she didn't have even one more big break
I'm not even sure they looked for her
they just shrugged and said "one crazy girl she was"
I sat on ancient steps this morning and wondered
why doesn't one quit when the seas are smooth?
Who turns the sail?
I do.
I stood up, ice coffee in hand like a flash light
faced the sun and said softly
"hell, I do."
It's the gift I give my child and the people who love me
the courage to change courses so they know it's all
the rhythm of the world.

There must have been moments
when Columbus thought about throwing himself over the side
the tastiest snack of the circling sharks
Those sharks will tell him "we love you baby"
"we are only here for you."
I wonder when he saw land if he was elated
or if he was just afraid to start all over again.

***********************************************

The calendar days are flying off and floating above the ground like a butterfly. Take part of today and make it your own know that life is but a brief glimpse of the universe. God loves me today, he keeps me safe. He keeps my son on course, he shouts at me when Best Friend Laughs, he heals a heart hurting in whispers and he reminds me sometimes the treasures of the sea are such a delight. Everything can change in a new york minute if you believe.

You can always find me at Summerpoet@msn.com and my work at www.poetsummer.etsy.com

So, Best Friend will ask me "what is going on with you, why are you floating out there?" She'll wonder she's working up the question, she's taking copious notes because that's what she does. She'll look in my head and try to figure me and I have been wondering what I will tell her, the wheres and the whys. I have been retracing my steps trying to figure it out for myself. And this morning I am settling in for a day of fix that and get this done and I am throwing the question through my head while thinking on a bad finger song and it hits me. I remember why. You see I was going through some old cds wondering which I would transfer on to my pod and which I would just pitch because I am hard on men and cds. I see this horribly beat up Bonnie Tyler song and just go and put it on the pod and it's too corrupted. (me too I thought) Bonnie, I had missed her terribly. I had to go to I tunes to find it. Later I am listening and I can hear her sing, every now and then this and every now and then that.

I hadn't spent quality time with the bossy Republican in more days than I could string together without running to the back deck and screaming "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU EVER SAY YOU LOVE ME." My throat was aching. I was thankful for a nice cool summer afternoon and I thought about going swimming and changed my mind, not wanting to get my hair wet, its just too good today. I could hear Bonnie singing "every now and then I fall apart, never now and then I fall apart." I thought Jesus when is the last time I just fell apart? I felt like she was giving me permission. Later, when Best Friend would call and ask about seeing Dr. A I'd tell her it all went so fine and he was so charming and I'm always in such capable hands. And Bonnie singing "Once upon a time I was falling in love and now I am only falling apart." Jesus music is universal. I started the pod again, from the beginning and sat down on the table in the back deck to listen looking at the how the bugs had eaten the leaves on the trees with little holes all over. "every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by. Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes." I love that she kept saying little bit, like it wasn't a constant companion this thought that perhaps love wasn't living here anymore, that I was just sitting in a rut and that secretly my birthday was close and I was terrified.

I couldn't remember the last time I just let go and sobbed but I did. If a neighbor had found me there I would have been pitied. Nice. Pitied at 43 almost 44. Fuck Fuck Fuck the trifecta of fuck. "And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever and if you only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever." Forever. Yeah. Love is never about forever I thought, its all so temporary and I like it like that. I decided to stop bitching. I called him "I really need you tonight." If it worked for Bonnie it would work for me. "Oh gosh Carrie I can't make that happen," and the lists of things more important, things I couldn't believe even mattered, that never mattered to me and never would. I said it again, slowly and in a child's voice. "I really need you tonight." I'd tell him as I told Suzy and I didn't implode and blow away to dust. I'd just tell him. Or not. Maybe he'd just be this guy I remembered, ya know the guy you remember when you first meet him? He'd be powerful and charming and I'd want him so much I couldn't imagine telling him. I knew before I asked the question that he'd be off chasing something, on some podium and not in my bed but he'd call when it's over to "check on me." Great.

I start the pod over again. Did he really call her "bright eyes?" Jesus. I can't remember when we called each other pet names. Where is he? If he knew I was out here on the deck bawling would he show up? Would he say something to fix this? Would there be some syrup in his pocket I could pour down my aching throat that would go down in my belly and calm me down and make it all ok? Oh hell no. "Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be. Every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am. Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe whose magical and wondrous as you." Maybe I told myself a lie. I've done it before. I've told myself, "you'll figure this out, he doesn't mean to be so distant. He's trying his best Carrie." Right there on my deck I had a total eclipse of the heart. I'd be going to Paris alone. I'd be going to the place where they mark your neck alone. I could hear Suzy say, "buck up, this too will pass." She's right, she's always right. Nobody has noticed that's good and mostly I'm not tired. I have my hair. Thank god for tender mercies. In a few days it would all pass and I could swallow without thinking I was swallowing swords.

He did call later in the evening "You ok? I can sense something is wrong, you're distant." He is always the master of the obvious. How clever. When did you figure this out? When I was whispering in little pleas or when I avoid the phone for days or when I encourage you to do something I hate that you do? Be careful he'd say later, what you post there, its for the world to see, it's public information. Why would I care what someone reads here really when I hardly cared that the neighbors were playing in the pool feet from where I was losing it? Where the raccoon (damn that beast) was sitting on a roof somewhere watching me, where the little birds were chirping in the sprinkler singing to me with some promise I couldn't even hear. Why oh why would I care at all?

So I lost my mind. Right there for a few moments that passed and I found myself thinking of being a functional alcoholic. Who would know red wine would make you feel so bad in the morning. Right there I decided to wear something that would make someone wonder if she was asking oh so softly to be "taken." I'd get a tattoo (oh i don't think so) or whisper something in line at the dunkin donuts when I'm getting iced coffee to the pretty suit ahead of me in line something he wouldn't be sure if he heard but would wonder later when he's sitting around talking to his comrades wondering and wondering if the moment will ever pass again, if he'd go there for coffee he didn't even want to drink later.

I lost a Saturday, I checked the top drawer of my dresser to see if the cape was still there, the cape was in tact. I'd see Suzy, tell her all is ok. She'd wonder if I poured a drink later remembering that these little moments pass for me, the moments of terror. Hell I kept a mini van for five years, just parked because one day I saw a story about a single mother on 60 minutes who was homeless and had to live out of her truck. She had a mattress back there. I could have pulled that off if I didn't like to wash my hair twice a day I thought. I didn't get rid of the van because it was my escape plan. I'll keep the cape for the same reason. God loves me. I know that right now at this very moment. My kid is safe, confused and mental but safe. Suze is close. Adventure is waiting somewhere over a big bucket of water. Leroy is home safe and he looks pretty happy about sneaking out. I will too.

****************************************************

"Once upon a time there was light in my life and now there's only love in the dark." Sing it bonnie.

Carrie.

Heroes

I have been off television for awhile now and so to turn on the TV this morning just to see the news conference of the two American reporters being released from a Korean prison was a celebration. Standing in front of the Washington Monument making the announcement, being reunited with their families. President Clinton is a hero. He went to North Korea to bring American citizens home saving these women from a life of oblivion. It is comforting to see a hero again there seems so few left but maybe it's like love, you have to look for them.

So this morning a little post about heroes

Heroes are usually democrats (just saying)
Heroes can see things in shades or gray rather than black and white
Heroes pull over in traffic when you have a flat even if it makes them late
Heroes dont let people threaten them or bully them
Heroes defend our country despite their political views
Heroes go into burning buildings while others are running out
Heroes fess up when they are in trouble
they know that wrong won't last forever
and coddling someone too much will only ruin them
they risk being loved superficially for being loved whole heartedly
they stand up when others are being stepped on
they feed hungry people and try not to use french onion soup as a seasoning
they cry easily but not for long
they move to a new place where they don't know a soul to make a dream work
(yes I have a brave best friend)
they fight through when they have no strength, when their will is low and they
are tired
(yes some less than faithful men are brave and are heroes)
Heroes swim with sharks
they write when the words make their throat choke
they sing when they are off tune
they throw their coat on the ground so a woman won't get her feet wet
they don't cry when their best friend is going home even though they want to
they save your life when your heart stops
they can put themselves second when it means there is a greater good
they come to your house and dig a garden
heroes put down the crack pipe, the drink, the beautiful blonde that doesnt' love them
just because they need to look up to themselves again

There is room for all of us to be a hero. Today I am off to the farmers market to plan for my dinner party. I have listed new work and will continue to do so before I leave. You can always find me at summerpoet@msn.com and my work at www.poetsummer.etsy.com.

Carrie

Preoccupation

Saturdays

I must confess I've been a bit preoccupied
this happens in the summer when the days are long
and the nights are cool and the bugs are singing to me
As the Cicada get louder and the days get shorter
the world will crowd around make my head full of the ordinary
There won't be time for summer afternoons reading poetry
making my face red in big hollywood sunglasses
We'll be planning for the Christmas parties
picking out turkeys and killing a tree to cover in white lights
and I will be missing the days of summer
days like today when I am planning my escape
When the snow is piled high and I am reaching
for the wool hat on the coat rack I will be dreaming of today
I will be counting down the days in my head
until the first tulips pushes itself through the cold ground
like you push yourself up through me
I will be missing the sun warm on my skin
when you are on top of me and the sweat fuses us
When the plows have pushed the snow to look like sand dunes
I will be with you alone in my room
on a Saturday afternoon
and while the world is washing the salt off their cars
running errands, picking up the dry cleaning their feet frozen in slush
I will smile thinking of a whole Saturday
wasted waiting for the next time you laugh quietly
holding back the way I let it go maniacally
When you were looking for the signals
and me reminding you there are no signals
it's all chance
That's God's big reminder that he's in charge
You can plant a tree
you can rescue a dog
you can help an old lady find her way home
when the bus stop is too cold
but you can't just conjure up a Saturday
If you could just have a whole day lost
you'd go find him at the market
he'd be standing there next to donuts
with a quick smile
with a devious laugh
one of those guys other guys like
because he will do something humiliating
for the sake of adventure and just to make you laugh
You'd find one, take him home and lose a day
Life doesn't work like that though
you have to hit the mark
You have to keep your head up
and your heart open to the possibility of it
When I walk outside at night
and the earth will be frozen
there won't be one bird noise
no soft breeze on my face just
a tight feeling from cold air
as your lungs miss summer too
I will look up to my room the window above the door
and the snow will fly up around me
and I'll watch the planes go by
miss you and summer.

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You can always find me at Summerpoet@msn.com and my work at poetsummer.etsy.com.

Carrie.